Update.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Please see my new site at
limbodacious.typepad.com.
Sorry for the confusion. As you may have noticed, I have been having some problems with this site, and I have finally reached my pain threshold.
Thanks and sorry!
Posted by Rae at 03:58 am
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Just the Facts, Ma'am
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Cancer is certainly an emotional journey. But it is also a physical one. I have been writing about the emotional side, and will continue to, but I thought that I should post about the physical effects of cancer and its treatments. Most of you will find this post thoroughly uninteresting and the links useless, but I want to put this out there for any newly-diagnosed person who may stumble onto this site. As a compulsive information-seeker, I wish a compiled list of things to expect and how to find out more about them had been available to me. So, here is an extensive overview of the effects of cancer on one person's body.
January 2004
Surgery: Unilateral (one side)
Salpingo-Oophorectomy (supposed to be both sides)
Result: Diagnosed with
Stage 2c Immature
Ovarian Teratoma (
Grade 3)
February 2004
Chemotherapy:
Cisplatin,
Bleomycin, and
Vinblastine (PVB)
Side Effects:
Anaphylaxis
Result: Stopped after second treatment, allergic to vinblastine
March 2004
Surgery:
Salpingo-Oophorectomy to take out the ovary which was left behind by last surgeon (Don't ask)
Result: Diagnosis changed to
Stage 3c
March - June 2004
Chemotherapy:
Cisplatin,
Bleomycin, and
Etoposide (BEP)
Side Effects: Hearing loss,
tinnitus, diarrhea, shortness of breath, severe nausea, headaches, vertigo, hair loss,
anemia,
neutropenia (almost all attributable to cisplatin)
Result: Slight slowing of tumor growth, but not enough
July - August 2004
High-Dose Chemotherapy with Stem Cell Transplant (
Etoposide,
Ifosfamide, and
Cisplatin)
Side Effects: All of the above plus more hearing loss,
interstitial cystitis,
shingles,
peripheral neuropathy, severe nausea,
neutropenia (which is quite the understatement, white cells went to zero),
anemia,
pancytopenia... Plus indirect long-term side effects such as pneumonia, arthritis, yeast infections, bone pain from
neupogen injections,
post-herpetic neuralgia and overall miserable-ness
Result: Went through hell and back for
nothing
(Side Note: I want to impress firmly that I would never recommend this procedure unless you have leukemia or lymphoma, where there is a lot of evidence that it is highly effective. Even then a serious cost-benefit analysis is in order. I have found that many - not all - doctors are touting SCTs as the cure for just about everything but the common cold, and downplaying the serious risks associated with the procedure. Okay, getting down from the soap box now.)
September 2004 - January 2005
Radiation
Side Effects: "Sunburn" on stomach, fatigue, mild nausea
Result: Temporarily slowed tumor growth but ultimately could not keep up with the progression
February 2005
Surgery: Resection of lymph nodes and partially obstructed bowel
Result: Clean
CT scan
March 2005
Chemotherapy:
Doxil
Side Effects: Rash, weird skin reactions, low blood pressure
Result: Too soon to tell, still taking it
Note: I have
germ cell ovarian cancer, which is treated differently than
epithelial ovarian cancer, the far more common subtype. Most women with epithelial ovca are treated with
Carboplatin and
Taxol. I don't know anything about those drugs.
I hope that maybe I have helped, just a little. This cancer stuff can be hell on body and mind.
Posted by Rae at 03:19 am
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When Life Hands You Lemons... Squirt Them into Somebody's Eyes
Friday, April 01, 2005
I got nothing. Well, except for a HUGE FUCKING LEMON on my blog.
I wish I could explain that. I will just say, do not give out your password to your 15-year-old sister and her snotty little friends.
Anyone out there know what the hell they're doing with this computer stuff?
Why a lemon? There are certainly more interesting and tasty citrus fruits out there. Or if you're into yellow, how about a banana? But not a LEMON.
Help me.
Please.
Posted by Rae at 01:31 am
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Totally Gushy, Weepy, Nausea-Inducing Post
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Here is a short list of things that always make me cry:
1. Talking to my grandma, knowing she doesn't remember who I am. (Alzheimer's)
2. "
Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton
3. Finding out a chemo regimen has failed.
4. The scene in "
Cast Away" where Tom Hanks realizes Wilson has drifted out to sea.
And a new addition to the list...
5.
This post from Louise.
And not just because it says some very kind things about me at a time I desperately need to hear them. It is just spot on.
In my own experiences, I have found that Today's Woman is being pressured to turn away from her femininity. I lived mostly in what we might call a "man's world." Military. Factories. Engineering school. And to get ahead, actually just to keep up, I had to deny everything in myself that was emotional, vulnerable, and silly. The women I encountered and I played this back-and-forth game where I thought they resented me, and they thought I looked down on them.
So when everything that made me anatomically a women malfunctioned, the irony was not lost on me. But I sucked it up and headed into the project that would show me how tough I really was. Or wasn't. It took a few months of clinging to my independent, stubborn ways before I finally realized I needed a friend.
The thing is, women just need other women. Not just when we have cancer, or are infertile, or going through a divorce or insert-your-life-crisis-here. I felt so stupid for going through life like some kind of robot trying to "get ahead," and now that all of that had fallen apart I had no one to talk to. No one who could understand the issues I was faced with.
I never thought I'd say it, but thank god for the internet. I was shocked to find out how many women were out there, looking for the same thing I was. And not only were they willing to give me a few answers and compare experiences, they were willing to be my friends (I won't name names because I'm sure friends of mine would rather remain anonymous...ha). And I finally saw that even though we were far away, or had totally different personalities, or weren't going through the same things, that we had something to offer each other. Something that cannot be summed up by a link in the "Friends" column.
So to Womankind... I say thank you. Thank you for saying my shoes are cute, even though you don't know me. Thank you for pulling strings to get me a same-day doctor's appointment because I sounded worried. Thank you for listening to me whine, and for hating the same things I hate. Thank you for making a joke. Thank you for being kind and offering your friendship. Thank you for helping me see there are things to be thankful for, at a time when I thought there were none.
Posted by Rae at 03:06 pm
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Don't Judge a Book by the Unruly Barking Dogs on Its Cover
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
You know that neighbor you have, the one with the dogs that bark insanely at every passing person, dog, or gust of wind? Well, that's me. While I love my dogs to bits, I am mindful that everyone else does not love the noise they are almost constantly making.
Today was one of those perfect early-spring days... warm, sunny, dog-walking weather. So, we were out for our walk and apparently, so was everyone else. I. Was. Mortified. Every ten feet my dogs erupted into a cacophony of barks and growls while my neigbors looked down on me with unmasked disdain.
After a blissful hundred feet of uninterrupted doggie-walking, a man passed me on rollerblades with his dog. Dogs explode into barking fits. Then, a little while later, he passed me again. Dogs go insane. It didn't take me too long to realize I was being followed. Well, not followed exactly. He was making laps around me. I thought, how rude. He can see how he is upsetting my dogs and the stress it is causing me, but he keeps doing it. Then he stopped. He was ten feet ahead of me, clearly waiting on me. I started doing that thing in my head where I search the area for weapons of opportunity if he tries to attack me.
I passed by him, keeping my eyes straight ahead, trying to act like he wasn't there even though the dogs were growling and pulling towards him. He was walking up to me. "Ummm, miss?" Shit, ignore him. Ignore him. "I couldn't help but notice that your dogs seem to be barking a lot and..." Thanks, asshole. I hadn't noticed. "...well, I'm a dog trainer, and I could help you if you wanted." Oh shit, I'M the asshole!
This man, this total stranger, went on my walk with me pointing out how to keep the dogs under control. He walked with me for a half hour, a half hour he could have been doing something like spending time with his own well-behaved dog. Where all the other people I had passed saw an incompetent girl with annoying dogs, he saw a overwhelmed girl trying her best to be both a good neighbor and a good dog owner. He saw an opportunity to use his particular skill set to help someone. And I saw a creepy stalker guy and desperately tried to avoid him. I really am an asshole.
It is encouraging to know that this kind of person exists in the world, even in my own neighborhood. I hope that, given the chance, I will help the person everyone is scoffing at, too.
This blog entry is dedicated to the nicest guy on my block... you rock.
Posted by Rae at 05:27 pm
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